“You know every time you cum in this bitch you brand me with your love?”
-regular client

Posted by Vixen as Quote Book at 11:19 PM CST

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The mute button is your best bet for any unwanted bodily noises. However, the mute button doesn’t always work. Maybe you burp before you can flip the switch, maybe you have a full bladder. Here’s some tips that work for me.

Bathroom noises
Clients generally don’t like being put on hold. I advise a PSO to use the bathroom during the call so you don’t break the call flow.

I caution against openly using the toilet for toilet fetish guys. They’ll come to expect it and then you’ll be expected to perform on demand. If you start out faking it you’ll have consistent noises.

Peeing in the sink is much better because there’s no toilet water noise. (I have a composting toilet that is quiet.) Try to pee in “spurts” if you can so you can mute and unmute. This is easier said than done. I just try to get the guy talking so I can mute and pee all at once.

If the guy won’t talk fake a loud orgasm so your bathroom noises are muffled. Save the flush till later, obviously.

Burps
When I was a girl my cousin talk me how to burp on purpose. Because of this I can usually feel a burp coming on and catch it with the mute button. Not always though. I’ve clamped my hand over my mouth to muffle the burp. It’s like my natural hand reaction was faster than my brain telling my hand to hit mute.

Worse case scenario just hold the phone away and burp into your shoulder.

Coughs
If you’re not sick but keep coughing you might be dehydrated. Drink lots of water. Better yet, drink tea with a good spoonful of honey to sooth your throat.

If you’re coughing because you’re sick see my post Reality Check: Getting Sick for working while sick tips.

Farts
Once I was chatting with the Fabulous Foot Slut and heard this odd noise. I ignored it but then heard it again. When I asked FFS he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about. But his voice sounded embarrassed. I couldn’t figure out why but then later I realized-he had farted and I had unknowingly pointed it out.

Never point out a clients’ embarrassing noises no matter how obvious.

A PSO’s farts are rarely a problem since her ass is so far from the microphone. If they’re super loud sit on a pillow to muffle them.

Hiccups
This one is the worst for a PSO. Hiccups can be hard to get rid of and hard to predict. Sometimes I can catch one coming and hit the mute button in time. Once when I had the hiccups really bad I hung up on the guy and tried to get rid of them before he called back. I just acted like it was a freak disconnect.

The only way I can get rid of hiccups is to slow down my breathing. I do meditative breathing and my hiccups slow down and then fade away. This can be difficult to do on a call where you have to do most of the talking. Try to get the client talking so you can focus on slowing your breath.

Runny Nose
Blowing your nose can take awhile if you’re really stuffed up. If you can get the client talking then you can be muted with no worries. But for the clients that like constant talking (I just talked to one last night) that won’t work. With practice you can learn to “silently” blow your your nose. You can wipe your nose while talking which work surprisingly well.

Sneezes
If you have to sneeze don’t try to hold it in. I’ve tried it and it hurts the nose and throat. If your sneezes sound cute then don’t worry if you can’t hit mute in time. Clients often think it sounds cute and girly. Sometimes my sneezes are cute but more often than not they’re loud. And I’m a multiple sneezer so the mute button gets hit as soon as I feel one coming on.

Yawns
When I’m tired a yawn can sneak up on me. I’m talking and then bam! I’m yawning hard. Fighting back a yawn is not worth it. You’ll only make yourself yawn more. Better to work with them and incorporate them into your calls.

Yawns can turned into orgasm moans. In fact they sound really good. As you start to yawn make an ahhh noise and it sounds like breathy moan.

Over time you can talk through your yawns. I like to use it for dramatic flair. The word OH! sounds great as a yawn word.

You can also ask your client a question and then yawn while he answers.

Reality Check Series:
Reality Check: Getting Sick
Reality Check: Lessons Learned From Clients
Reality Check: Eating Food
Reality Check: Handling Long Calls
Reality Check: Working On Christmas
Reality Check: Asshole Clients
Reality Check: Dealing With Assholes
Reality Check: Superstar Clients

Posted by Vixen as PSO Confessions at 11:40 PM CST

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From Fox News:
Alleged Fort Hood Shooter Frequented Local Strip Club
“The Army psychiatrist authorities say killed 13 people and wounded 29 others at the Fort Hood Army Base Thursday was a recent and frequent customer at a local strip club, employees of the club told FoxNews.com exclusively.

Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan came into the Starz strip club not far from the base at least three times in the past month, the club’s general manager, Matthew Jones, told FoxNews.com. Army investigators building their case against Hasan plan to interview Jones soon.

(snip)

“He wasnt too loud like some of our other customers, or sleazy. He didn’t try to take any of us home and he was respectful,” she said. “I think he mostly came here to kill some time and just relax. He stood out here because he was much more reserved than our other customers.

“I just can’t believe that he’s the one who killed all those people. You know, he tipped every girl as she came off the stage after her dance. He was a really good tipper.”"

—

I just don’t get this article. What the hell?! I don’t see the point. What is the relevance of Hasan being a strip club patron? Is the implication that people that go to strip clubs are more likely to go postal?

I was also surprised that the writer uses both the strippers real names and strippers names. I wouldn’t think the strippers would want those names connected.

Posted by Vixen as News at 11:34 PM CST

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From the Daily Mail:
Good Lord! The erotic photos taken in 13th century church that got the vicar hot under the dog collar
“Photographer Andy Craddock, his girlfriend and a couple of models used the vicar’s church in Cornwall as the backdrop for an erotic photoshoot.

Now solicitors acting on behalf of Mr Yates have written to the photographer accusing him of blasphemy.

(snip)

They say that the publication of the pictures on his website, which include naked girls alongside religious symbols, is blasphemous, regardless of his intentions.

They have also threatened him with legal action for trespassing, saying public access to the church is ‘for worship or related church activities’ and he did not have permission for his photography.

(snip)

The 13th-century church in St Michael Penkivel provided the backdrop for Rowan Atkinson’s 2005 comedy Keeping Mum, which also starred Dame Maggie Smith and Kristin Scott-Thomas, about a serial-killer in a quiet village.

(snip)

‘How is it worse having someone naked in the church than having a film set there about murder and death? If the parishioners are upset by the naked girls on their altar, why are they not as upset about murders set around the church and the village?’”

I think Craddock makes an excellent point about the murder movie. When I look at church porn I sometimes wonder how the crew gets away with it. Apparently not everyone does.

His pics are smoking hot. Are you a pervert like me and want to see more? Click here for his site.

—

From Carnal Nation:
Scariest Halloween Goblin: Sex Offenders
“‘In the never-ending quest to boost their “tough on crime” and “family values” credentials, politicians and police departments across America have turned this year’s Halloween into the scariest one yet.

What could be scarier than a vampire, zombie, or Michael Jackson?

A Registered Sex Offender.

(snip)

Since virtually no one will stand up for these people’s rights, communities are restricting them on Halloween more than ever. In New Jersey, they may not leave their home tonight after 7pm, and they may not open their doors to trick-or-treaters. In South Carolina, sex offenders on parole or probation must be home and may not have their outdoor lights on between 5-9pm. In Lubbock County, TX, some 80 offenders cannot even stay home tonight and mind their own business—they must attend a Corrections Department meeting from 5-9pm.

Although no one listens, experts keep stating that such coercive programs address a non-existent threat. For example, the recent study from the University of Oklahoma’s Center on Child Abuse and Neglect shows that children are no more likely to be sexually exploited by a stranger on Halloween than on any other autumn day.”

I have a friend who is a convicted sex offender. Though he committed his crime, served his sentence and got therapy over a decade ago, new sex offender laws still affect him. This Halloween he was not legally permitted to leave his home between certain hours and had to turn his outside lights off.

Is that fair? Some people say yes because of his crime. But a person can commit rape or murder, serve time, get released and move in right next door to you and you’d never know.

And there’s the issue of what constitutes a sex offender. A sex offender can be a person getting drunk and mooning people out the back of a car window. Not always yes. But not all sex offenders are evil monsters. But portraying them as such certainly gets politicians elected.

—

Also from Carnal Nation:
Help Spread the Word: Kinky Is Not a Diagnosis
“As some of you may know, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is a document produced by the American Psychiatric Association. It serves as the official list of how we define mental health and mental health disorders. In a nutshell, if it’s in the DSM, it’s officially a disorder.

The hope, at least for most ethical, well-trained, and compassionate professionals, is that the diagnoses are based on clinical evidence, scientific research, and fact. That’s a tall order, given that our understanding of mental health processes is constantly growing. So every few years, the APA gets a bunch of folks together and revises the document. It doesn’t happen often and it has been about 10 years since the last version (the DSM-IV-Text Revision) came out. The DSM-V is currently being developed and is scheduled to be published in 2012.

(snip)

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is circulating an online petition to remove BDSM practices, fetishes and cross-dressing from the DSM. These sexual practices, preferences and desires are not, in and of themselves, the result of or the cause of mental health disorders. It’s true that some people with serious conditions also engage in these behaviors, but so do many millions of other people and the empirical evidence simply doesn’t support the erotophobic belief that these sexual expressions are inherently unhealthy or dangerous.

Further, quite often, the problem is with the lovers, family members and communities of the people who engage in uncommon sexual practices. The distress comes from the external sex-negativity rather than the sex itself. Until and unless the DSM makes it possible to distinguish between the behavior and the supposed disorder there is no reason to attach the stigma of a mental health disorder to people when it’s not warranted, especially given the impact that can have on child custody, employment, self-esteem and medical care.”

Direct link to the petition here.

Kinky people unite! If you don’t want your name to show up online there’s an option for that.

—

From the EFF:
Cook County Sheriff Loses Craigslist “Erotic Services” Ads Case
“Yesterday, a federal court tossed a lawsuit against craigslist over erotic advertisements. In March, Cook County Sheriff Thomas Dart alleged that craigslist was liable for the illegal ads posted by its users in its “erotic services” (now “adult services”) category. As craigslist argued in their motion for judgment on the pleadings, and as EFF and others pointed out at the time, Dart’s complaint had virtually no chance of success because Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act plainly immunized Internet intermediaries like craigslist from civil liability for material posted by third parties.”

Good news for Craigslist and for the sex workers who use their site. Thanks to reader Nanette for the tip!

—

Via Google News:
Berlin brothel cuts rates for ‘green’ customers
“Part of Berlin’s red-light scene is going green. One bordello, hoping to stave off falling demand in the economic crisis, has begun offering discounts to customers who pedal bicycles to the door.

“It’s very difficult to find parking around here, and this option is better for our environment,” said Thomas Goetz, who owns the brothel Maison d’Envie, or House of Desire.

Local residents in Prenzlauer Berg — a part of former East Berlin now home to scores of trendy boutiques, restaurants and clubs — had staunchly supported the Green party in recent elections and have welcomed the bordello’s offer to emphasize the environment.”

I find this adorable.

Posted by Vixen as News at 9:39 PM CST

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From $pread Magazine:
“We need you to help us get to print! Due to lack of credit $pread is unable to meet its printing costs this quarter, which is delaying issue 5.2, The Family Issue. The financial crisis of the past months has managed to cut into our already-limited income stream as an all-volunteer organization. Where we once would have turned to credit to acquire the $2500 required to get the issue to print, over the past year we have been turned down on multiple loan and credit cards applications because of our so-called status as an “adult business.” That’s why we need you to help us meet the $2500 bill in the next two weeks to get out The Family Issue in time! $100 prints 100 magazines, 25 of which are shipped at no cost to sex workers who can’t afford the magazine. Your contributions make a difference! Go to www.spreadmagazine.org/shop and click on donate today.”

Posted by Vixen as Activism, Sex Workers at 10:09 PM CST

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From this gallery.

Have leftover pumpkins from Halloween? There’s a joke about her fingering her hole in that pic-I can sense it.

Posted by Vixen as Sexy Sensations at 12:41 PM CST

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From Raw Story:
Obama signs law blocking release of torture photos
“President Barack Obama received a great deal of media attention on Wednesday for signing a historic hate-crimes bill into law. But, on the same day, the US president also signed a Homeland Security spending bill that received far less attention, even though it effectively blocks efforts by activists to reveal photos of detainee abuse in US custody.

(snip)

Earlier this month, the House and Senate inserted language into the Homeland Security appropriations bill that would shield photos of detainees in the US’s war on terror from the Freedom of Information Act. The language, which was added at the prodding of Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT), effectively blocks an ACLU lawsuit currently before the courts that would have forced the government to release the photos under Freedom of Information statutes.

As Daphne Eviatar noted at the Washington Independent, “President Obama initially agreed to release the photos, but changed his mind after consulting with Defense Secretary Robert Gates and others at the Pentagon, who warned the photos would endanger US servicemen in Iraq and Afghanistan.”"

Another promise broken. Lovely. Doesn’t this remind you of a Bill Clinton move? Do something important that will reap tons of praise and then at the same time do something shady that will fly under the radar because of the former action? Of course all presidents do this sort of thing. But I tend to think of Bush doing the move where he signed laws named after altruistic ideals and then doing the opposite-Patriot Act, No Child Left Behind, etc.

Posted by Vixen as News at 10:31 PM CST

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“You know, it’s not that I liked Bush but with all these bailouts Obama’s making him look fiscally responsible.”
-regular client

Sadly, he’s got a good point.

Posted by Vixen as Quote Book at 2:35 PM CST

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From Digital Journal:
Sexy Mormon Moms’ Calendar Stirs Controversy
“A calendar featuring sexy photos of scantily clad Mormon moms is causing controversy within the Church and across the country.

The calendar was produced by Chad Hardy. In many ways Hardy was a typical Mormon

(snip)

Not to be denied Hardy responded with two calendars for 2010 that have just been released. One is a new edition of ‘Men on a Mission.’ The second, entitled, ‘Hot Mormon Muffins’ features scantily clad Mormon Moms in sexy pinup-style poses. Each calendar girl is accompanied by a muffin recipe.”

I’ve blogged before about Hardy’s calendar here and here.

Hardy also donates some of the calendar proceeds to charity. “The Hot Mormon Muffins calendar will benefit breast cancer research. This was inspired by Yayoi (Ms. August) who survived breast cancer and the memory of Lynda’s (Ms. June) sister, whose life was cut short by breast cancer.”

The Men on a Mission calendar is available for 2010 and also donates to charity:

“Men on a Mission donates a portion of the proceeds from each calendar sold directly to charity. In fact, each of the twelve men featured in the calendar has been given the opportunity to personally select the charity of their choice — seen by most as a chance to continue to serve the area where they served their missions. You can read about the charities they selected on their bios on the Meet the Missionaries page.”

Is Mormon MILFS going to become the next porn craze? I particularly love that the calendar comes with muffin recipe. Sexy and practical-I dig it.

Posted by Vixen as News at 12:54 PM CST

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