Religion comes up during calls more that I anticipated when I started doing sex work. With my first post on the subject religion plays a part in every call.
Monotone Man is a regular caller. He’s called me for years and always sounds bored. His voice is a flat sound. The only time it changes is when he snaps at me but even then it sounds monotone, as if I merely turned up my phone volume. MM is certainly unusual-he prides himself on not talking about sex with me. Every call he asks if I have any other callers like him. “All those other guys just like to ugh ugh (he groans here) with you. Well not me.”
Why is not talking about sex so important? MM is a Fundamentalist Christian and he thinks it’s sinful to talk to me.
But he has desires, desires he can tell no one in his life. He can barely tell me. Over the years he’s let details of his fantasies slip out. He loves wearing women’s clothes. Yet he adamantly denies being a crossdress because to him crossdressers are fags and God hates fags.
I’ve tried telling him otherwise. “It’s in the Bible” he says, “so it’s wrong for me to wear panties.” When I tried asking where in the Bible it says that Gods hates fags he switched tactics and asked if I was a Christian. I told him I wasn’t and said I was a Pagan. Time and again he’s berated Paganism, calling it everything from a false religion to Satanism. I keep myself calm by knitting. There’s a meditative quality to knitting, making stitch after stitch. Needles and yarn keep me from screaming back insults. Instead I tell him that I’m not insulting his beliefs so he shouldn’t insult mine. He switches tactics yet again by telling me he loves me.
Loving me is wrong though because I’m married. I don’t tell all of my clients I have a husband. Some don’t want to know because the belief I’m single plays into their fantasies. Many don’t mind knowing-these are typically the ones that like to talk about real life after the fantasy. Typically I have to make a fast judgment call whether to disclose my marital status. I don’t remember why I told MM I was married but he has been fixated on the fact ever since.
Every time he calls he complains that I have a husband. He loves me so much how can I be married? My marital status means he can’t tell me his fantasies because that’s sinful. (Thou shall not covet thy’s neighbor’s wife I assume.) When I point out that fantasy talk doesn’t constitute cheating he changes the subject.
MM is fond of changing the subject. He manages to share a desire then his religious guilt sets in. He is terrified of people thinking he’s a “fag”. Over and over he asks me if I think he is one. “Do you want to sleep with a man?” I ask knowing that if I say “cock” he’ll freak out. He scoffs at me saying “No! That’s immoral!” When I tell him it sounds like he’s straight he sighs with relief.
He seems determined to condemn himself. Part of him craves to wear women’s clothes. A small detail of his crossdressing fantasies is always followed by reasons it’s immoral-he’s a Christian, the Bible says so, he lives in a homophobic area, I’m married, we’re not married, he’s a pervert, he’s a fag, etc.
Monotone Man is a sad and inwardly tortured man. I have tried helping him but his faith is a sort of wall around him. If he reveals to much or I use logic to show him his fantasies are acceptable he lashes out, pushing me away. Sometimes I think he likes me because I’m a sex worker and I’m married. It’s as if talking to me is a form of flirting with danger. MM dances so close to sinning but turns back at the last minute. I am permanently unattainable therefore he can’t live out his fantasies with me. And even if I were single his religious beliefs deny his sexuality.
Posted by Vixen in PSO Confessions