The phone rang last night. And rang and rang and rang. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. If I answered it I would cry, or scream or curse. I turned it off and kept it off all night. Why?
Burn out. Right now I feel so burned out with my job. I’ve been doing this for five years and have gotten a case of burn out from time to time. It seems most psos and even most sex workers get it. I’ve had it before while I’ve had this blog but haven’t written about it. Burn out is a contradictory thing. Describing it sounds so paradoxical. Plus, burn out is a negative space to be in. Writing about it is writing about a dark space and I’ve been hesitant to do that. I think it would do me good to write some of my feelings down though. Get things off my chest, get it out of my system. I’m a natural list maker so I’m making a list of my feelings. Some are passing thoughts, some stick in my head for days and depress me.
-I don’t want the phone to ring. Just let me have a chunk of time where the phone doesn’t ring.
-Why won’t the phone ring? I’m here, I’m available why can’t I just get a call? Why do the pervs all call when I’m not available?
-If that pranker calls me one more time I will scream. If he pranks me again that’s it. I’m quitting. Fuck this job, fuck this phone, fuck this asshole.
-No, no, pranks are good. When pranks are up, paid calls go up.
-I’m so burned out on my regulars. I wish a new guy would call so it would be something different and not the same boring ass fantasy that I’ve been repeating over and over. A new guy wouldn’t have all that history of getting on my nerves.
-I can’t handle these new guys. Why can’t one of my regulars call me? Someone who is predictable so I can relax on the call and not have to constantly monitor it?
-This job is so draining! So insanely hard! These men just use me as an emotional punching bag. I don’t get paid enough to do this.
-I am grateful for my job. Thank the Goddess I don’t have to go through life as a Walmart cashier where people treat you like shit and you get paid even shittier. I’m lucky to be in this situation.
-What the fuck is wrong with this sick fuck? How dare he think I really get off to his disgusting fantasy?! No wonder he has to pay women to talk to him-he’s totally fucked up emotionally and sexually. I’m so insulted that he thinks I like _______ (fill in the blank with random taboo fantasy).
-I just want a call where we dive into the fantasy. Don’t ask me about my life, don’t ask me how my day was, I DON’T want to talk to you about my life. Let’s just jump into the fantasy and pretend we both like it so I don’t have to pretend that I relate to you in real life.
-I can’t believe I’m crying on this call. Why did the phone have to ring while I was upset about ________ (fill in the blank with life’s stresses). This is messed up. I shouldn’t be taking calls while I’m upset.
-This is messed up. I can’t believe I’m crying on this call. But in a way it’s relieving. I get to get my emotions out about ________ (fill in the blank with life’s stresses). Uncommon therapy but it works.
-This job has me trapped. I don’t have any marketable skills. What if I lost it? What would I do? I can’t even put this down on a resume. I’m so fucked.
-This job has really opened me up to a lot of possibilities. I’ve jumped out of the cubical hell lifestyle and can make a living being a freelancer doing all sorts of work. I have so much to be thankful for.
-I hate working at home. I’m always at work. I don’t have a separate space. I hate being on call. I can never relax because I never know when the phone will ring.
-I love working at home. It’s so freeing not to be tied to a schedule. I can relax more because I make my own hours.
-I can’t stand this guy. While does he call me so much? I hate him. HATE him! He’s such a draining/disgusting/sicko/lame/mean/arrogant man. Why can’t a normal, nice person call me?
-I’m so thankful guys like this call me. Sure he’s emotionally fucked up but those types make the best callers! He calls me so much because I’m one of the few that can handle him.
Burn out sucks. It’s tiring and makes working the phones difficult. I do enjoy my job most of the time and that’s why I’ve kept doing it all these years. What causes burn out? Take lots of working hours, combined with difficult, demanding callers, sprinkle in some persistent prankers, cancel several fun events to stay home and take calls, simmer for a few months and voila! You have a burned out pso.
How to get over burn out? The best solution I’ve found it to get away from the phone. Take time off and have some fun. I took today off with Mr. Radical. He took me to a yarn store, (it’s therapy for me) and then we went to a nice cafe that had fancy coffee. I didn’t pick up one phone call. It was wonderful. For the next couple of days I’ll get up early, enjoy my morning coffee and knit uninterrupted for a 1/2 hr or so. Then I’ll do some yoga before turning on my phone. Burn out sucks but it is manageable.
Posted by Vixen in PSO Confessions