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September 22nd, 2008

Sex Work and Compassion: Self Hating Client

Elephant Hug

Self Hating Client’s fantasy wasn’t unusual. He had stolen a pair of his girlfriend’s used panties for the call. Initially he was hesitant to tell me. At the beginning of our conversation he’d asked me to dominate him. I asked him what he was into and was told the annoying answer of “anything you want”. That answer means I have to play psychic and guess what a client wants to hear.

He was quiet and seemed bored with the call. Occasionally he said a tired “yes Mistress” and not much else. I tried several different tactics-spanking, crossdressing, humiliation, dildo play.

The dildo struck a chord. The more I described fucking his face the more he responded. When he said “Don’t make me wear my girlfriend’s panties!” there was an excitement in his voice that had been missing before. We focused on the used panties and I could hear him sucking on the fabric. The fantasy turned into him sucking his girlfriend’s cum soaked panties while her lover fucked his ass. SHC moaned through the panties and responded with muffled grunts. After more sucking he shot his cum into the crotch. Then he sucked them once more.

Afterwards SHC said “I’m such a sick freak.” I sensed he was about to hang up.

“No you’re not,” I said quickly. I tried to explain to SHC that panty and forced bi fetishes weren’t so freaky. He countered my argument. “What woman would ever want to date a man who wants to suck panties and by fucked by her lovers?”

I had to admit he had a point. The majority of women wouldn’t-that’s why so many of these men call me. But there are women who get turned on by these kinks. I told him of an ex-roommate whose fantasy was similar to his. She positively swooned over crossdressing big burly men and her dream submissive was a cuckolded sissy.

SHC didn’t believe me so I switched tactics. I told him his fantasy wasn’t hurting anyone so it was ok. He argued that he was hurting his girlfriend because he was stealing her panties. I was quiet, thinking of something to say.

“Look,” he said, “I know I’m fucked up. I know I need to stop this or my girlfriend will find out and dump me. I just need to stop.” Then he hung up.

I’m not sure why I spoke out to SHC. Maybe it was the tone of his voice. There was such a mean, cruel inflection when he insulted himself. Lots of my clients don’t like their kinky sides and I don’t argue with them. There have been times that I’ve tried and either lost clients or caused regulars to not call back for several weeks. They call me to role play their fantasies-not to psychoanalyze them.

But sometimes I feel compelled to say something. Why should people hate their fantasies?I don’t think that’s healthy. For me, part of sex work is helping clients embrace their kinky sides. If it’s safe, sane and consensual then I say go for it. They may not change their ways but at least while we’re in the fantasy they can jump into their fetish, love it and live it for a short while. That’s what I tried to convey to SHC. I hope he got the message.

Sex Work And Compassion Series
Sex Work And Compassion: Panty Tree

Posted by Vixen in PSO Confessions

This entry was posted on Monday, September 22nd, 2008 at 11:30 pm and is filed under PSO Confessions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

9 Responses to “Sex Work and Compassion: Self Hating Client”

  1. Adele Haze says:

    Poor guy… The most heart-breaking part of it is that if he could gather up enough confidence to join some BDSM communities online, he’d find himself among people for whom his fantasy is a legitimate, healthy and fun part of the lifestyle.

    Just a couple of weeks ago I was on a girls’ night out with some friends, and we were discussing how hot “forced bi” scenarios were, and where could we get our mitts on some nice guys to play out something like that.

    I don’t know how you can resist the temptation to psychoanalyse them, frankly.

  2. S. says:

    Their self-hatred might subconsciously be part of their fantasy and kink. It can become part of a cycle - self-hatred leads to resolution not to engage in it again, which leads to temptation, which leads to the bliss of finally giving in, which leads to self-hatred, and so it goes.

  3. asrai says:

    Most people haven’t grown up in a sex positive environment. Nor have they, as an adult, learned to adopt a sex positive mindset. They are sure they are the only person in the world who has their personal kink and they will be completly frowned upon by every “normal” person they know should anyone gain knowledge of what secretly turns them on.
    It’s an uphill battle trying to acknowledge that even just fantasizing about a kink is okay, let alone telling another person.

  4. Lady Sascha says:

    Exactly! Your posts so often strike a chord in me… I think we must have the same callers, or at least the same type. For example, take crossdressers - so many of my callers have “purged” their wardrobes out of self-hatred, only to turn around and restock them when they can’t resist the temptation.
    I think asrai is right - just like women struggling with body image and self-esteem, men have their own dragons to slay when they go against the society’s preconceived ideas of what is normal.

  5. Natty says:

    What a shame. There are so many guys with his fantasies too. And having the fantasy doesn’t mean you actually want to be fucked by another guy in real life. The fantasy can work very well as fantasy alone.

    Interesting point going on here in the comments demonstrating how both women and men suffer from Patriarchy, if in different ways. So many submissive guys I know feel terrified of expressing their sexuality, in a way that I don’t see so much with women anymore (whether dominant or submissive). And if homo-eroticism comes into play, the terror hits Xanax levels.

  6. Pagankinktress says:

    While it could very well be that part of this client’s fetish is embedded in self-debasement, it does sound like he genuinely is conflicted.

    I agree that we shouldn’t hate our fantasies. There is a lot we can learn about ourselves from the things that turn us on…no matter how “perverted” or “wrong” we might think we are. Sadly, ours is a society that literally fetishizes morality. There is a need to place people into categories and decipher who is good, bad, deviant, and normal. Thing is, *who* decides what “normal” is? That’s where I often have an issue.

    I’ve meaning to comment in your blog for a while now…I poke around here occasionally and I love what you have going on here!

  7. Vixen says:

    Thanks everyone! Not only am I glad everyone liked the post I’m also excited about the dialog it started.

  8. Lady Johanna says:

    Women have gotten a break from the double standard in the past couple decades as men discovered that dating “sluts” meant better sex.

    Men haven’t gotten nearly as much a break from judgmental women yet. I blogged about this here:

    The tricky bit in being supportive of people’s kinks is that sometimes feeling “bad” about the perversion is part of the kink.

    If a guy’s entire kink is being such a “loser” that he spends so much money on phone sex, there’s no room to be supportive in there except to say “loser” until he cums.

    I’m personally rather conflicted about these types of calls as while I enjoy consensual humiliation, I don’t like anyone thinking that’s what I *really* think of them.

  9. Vixen says:

    LJ-That’s the trick isn’t it? How to tell if a client is really hating himself or just getting off on the idea of hating himself? With some clients I think I’ll never know.

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