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November 10th, 2009

Reality Check: Bodily Noises

View over Manhattan, New York

The mute button is your best bet for any unwanted bodily noises. However, the mute button doesn’t always work. Maybe you burp before you can flip the switch, maybe you have a full bladder. Here’s some tips that work for me.

Bathroom noises
Clients generally don’t like being put on hold. I advise a PSO to use the bathroom during the call so you don’t break the call flow.

I caution against openly using the toilet for toilet fetish guys. They’ll come to expect it and then you’ll be expected to perform on demand. If you start out faking it you’ll have consistent noises.

Peeing in the sink is much better because there’s no toilet water noise. (I have a composting toilet that is quiet.) Try to pee in “spurts” if you can so you can mute and unmute. This is easier said than done. I just try to get the guy talking so I can mute and pee all at once.

If the guy won’t talk fake a loud orgasm so your bathroom noises are muffled. Save the flush till later, obviously.

When I was a girl my cousin talk me how to burp on purpose. Because of this I can usually feel a burp coming on and catch it with the mute button. Not always though. I’ve clamped my hand over my mouth to muffle the burp. It’s like my natural hand reaction was faster than my brain telling my hand to hit mute.

Worse case scenario just hold the phone away and burp into your shoulder.

If you’re not sick but keep coughing you might be dehydrated. Drink lots of water. Better yet, drink tea with a good spoonful of honey to sooth your throat.

If you’re coughing because you’re sick see my post Reality Check: Getting Sick for working while sick tips.

Once I was chatting with the Fabulous Foot Slut and heard this odd noise. I ignored it but then heard it again. When I asked FFS he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about. But his voice sounded embarrassed. I couldn’t figure out why but then later I realized-he had farted and I had unknowingly pointed it out.

Never point out a clients’ embarrassing noises no matter how obvious.

A PSO’s farts are rarely a problem since her ass is so far from the microphone. If they’re super loud sit on a pillow to muffle them.

This one is the worst for a PSO. Hiccups can be hard to get rid of and hard to predict. Sometimes I can catch one coming and hit the mute button in time. Once when I had the hiccups really bad I hung up on the guy and tried to get rid of them before he called back. I just acted like it was a freak disconnect.

The only way I can get rid of hiccups is to slow down my breathing. I do meditative breathing and my hiccups slow down and then fade away. This can be difficult to do on a call where you have to do most of the talking. Try to get the client talking so you can focus on slowing your breath.

Runny Nose
Blowing your nose can take awhile if you’re really stuffed up. If you can get the client talking then you can be muted with no worries. But for the clients that like constant talking (I just talked to one last night) that won’t work. With practice you can learn to “silently” blow your your nose. You can wipe your nose while talking which work surprisingly well.

If you have to sneeze don’t try to hold it in. I’ve tried it and it hurts the nose and throat. If your sneezes sound cute then don’t worry if you can’t hit mute in time. Clients often think it sounds cute and girly. Sometimes my sneezes are cute but more often than not they’re loud. And I’m a multiple sneezer so the mute button gets hit as soon as I feel one coming on.

When I’m tired a yawn can sneak up on me. I’m talking and then bam! I’m yawning hard. Fighting back a yawn is not worth it. You’ll only make yourself yawn more. Better to work with them and incorporate them into your calls.

Yawns can turned into orgasm moans. In fact they sound really good. As you start to yawn make an ahhh noise and it sounds like breathy moan.

Over time you can talk through your yawns. I like to use it for dramatic flair. The word OH! sounds great as a yawn word.

You can also ask your client a question and then yawn while he answers.

Reality Check Series:
Reality Check: Getting Sick
Reality Check: Lessons Learned From Clients
Reality Check: Eating Food
Reality Check: Handling Long Calls
Reality Check: Working On Christmas
Reality Check: Asshole Clients
Reality Check: Dealing With Assholes
Reality Check: Superstar Clients

Posted by Vixen as PSO Confessions at 11:40 PM CST

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